Dealbreaker #3:

He looks just like Chad from the Alltel Commercials.

Look at that goddamn face.

You could look like someone from any number of other commercials (, Geico, Apple—for the record I prefer PC), but Chad annoys the shit out of me. I fucking hate Chad. Chad is a bastard. 

*Note: I’m aware it’s not your fault you look like Chad. It’s not you. It’s me. Next time: we’ll examine why Chad invokes such great feelings of rage in the depths of my soul. Stay tuned!

You like freedom? *I* like freedom!

His interests: Politics, Reading, Libertarianism, Economics, Freedom, Money… oh, and basketball. This guy is just slightly not my type, but what I want to know is when is the Tea Party online dating explosion going to happen? Who’s going to act now and snag Can you imagine the traffic on a website like that? Moneymaker.

Type of lady i’m looking for:
Cute, you don’t have to be a 10, but I’d prefer an 8 or so. I like the athletic type body, but thin would be good too. If people have ever told you your weird/ crazy/ selfish/ cheater/ B*** please move on.
—25 year old male seeking female. For anyone who’s looking for a huge douche (but would settle for a major tool), here’s your guy.

Dealbreaker #2:

His profile features a confederate flag in the foreground. Or background. Or tattooed on his neck. All bad news.

Featured profile: chillassmfer

I still glance at the profile of every single guy who messages me, since my inbox isn’t so flooded as to deter me. They usually send messages like “your profile caught my eye, check mine out and if you like what you see, hit me back!” 99% of the time I find the guy has pretty nearly nothing in common with me.

This profile caught my attention for two reasons:

  1. Username: chillassmfer (read: Chill Ass MFer!)
  2. "About me" section: No sentences, just copy and pasted lyrics from what (after a google search) appears to be a Sarah McLachlan song!

I know what you’re thinking. The use of Sarah McLachlan lyrics ought to be an endearing quality in a guy. Who is secure enough in his masculinity to quote the queen of Lilith Fair? Think again. The lyrics are terrifying!

and I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I’ll take your breath away
and after, I’d wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear

Who is this guy, Lennie from Of Mice and Men? Someone who loves animals (and snowboarding btw) and wants to SMOTHER ME LITERALLY ASPHYXIATE ME WITH LOVE. No thanks, think I’ll keep fishin’. Good luck though.

P.S. the only better username than ChillAssMFer I’ve seen has been SOUNDGAZM743.

You can also see me performing my music (comedic rap) at various clubs and bars around town.
—Actual line in an “About me” section of someone’s profile

Dealbreaker #1:

His introductory message to you reads simply: “Do u like hookah?”

No. No sir I do not.

First chat (Try not to over-answer)

him: Wow you are giving me about a thousand questions
me: :) go ahead
him: Try not to over answer I am generally trying to garner specific slices of information
(Then he tried to convince me of the illegitimacy of documentaries as a film genre.)